Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Fearless 2013 IndyCar Predictions

The 2013 IZOD IndyCar season arrives this week, and IndyCar experts are having their day in the sun, predicting "Will Power This" and "Ryan Hunter-Reay That". Oh, they’ve got their predictions all figured out, from this year’s Indy 500 winner to which engine manufacturer will come out on top. They like to use things like statistics, facts, and trends—if you can believe it.


Once again this year, IndyCar Advocate is the ONLY place you need to turn to get the most accurate predictions for the upcoming season. Only here will you find the big secrets and sure-fire winners that THE MAN doesn’t want you to know about. It’s ok, they can’t silence the truth.

Here are 20 IndyCar predictions absolutely, positively GUARANTEED to come true, or your money back:

1) Robin Miller will set a new personal best on the NBC Sports Network by not only interrupting the invocation to prayer, but also the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, a moment of silence for the historical sacrifices of the Tuskegee Airmen, and a blessing by the new Pope.

2) A new IndyCar fan focus group will definitively determine what next the iteration of IndyCar should be: “a rear-engined, front-engined, GRE/V6/V8 stock, non-stressed, stressed, canopy-optional, common safety cell, roadster turbine with a blown diffuser and ground effects, but sort of like the Delta Wing”. The resulting artist’s sketch will look like the deformed love child of a tryst between a Tyrrell P34, Brawner Hawk, and a 1947 Kurtis Kraft Midget, and will drive several unsuspecting engineers mad simply from gazing at it.

3) Tony Kanaan’s car will faces fines for being underweight at all races in which the Hydroxycut sponsorship is on the sidepods.

4) The Sao Paulo, Brazil race will be marred by an incident in which the airline manages to misplace the entire Panther Racing team. They are delivered by accident to Montevideo, Uruguay, from where most of them make their way home by the season's end.

5) Donald Davidson will take approximately 445 calls from individuals claiming their great-uncle’s next-door neighbor was a driver in the 1938 Indianapolis 500. The surprising part? One actually was.

6) The Indianapolis 500 will be won by Takuma Sato, who has the Foyt team install tire spikes that he refers to after the race as "Scotsman Deterrents".

7) In response to an incident the night before the Indy 500 in the IMS Coke Lot, IndyCar and NASCAR will finally team up to create a game-changing safety measure. In that moment, the flame-retardant port-o-crapper is born. A week later, Darrell Waltrip will take a moment during a broadcast to crow about how NASCAR single-handedly led the way in outhouse safety technology.

8) The Team Barracuda car’s new livery will allow it to effectively “camouflage” its way to victory next to the blue-painted walls of the Milwaukee Mile, after Dario Franchitti slows down on the last lap, thinking no other cars are even close to his. The Team Barracuda car will then take the nickname of “Predator” for the remainder of the season.

9) In June, Justin Wilson will repeat his 2012 victory at Texas Motor Speedway. In the wake of this triumph, Dale Coyne will state he’s very close to officially announcing his drivers for the 2013 season.

10) Also in June, AJ Foyt will be struck by lightning, stumble upon a nest of rabid wolverines, and have an expired Russian satellite fall on his head. In other words, for AJ Foyt, what he likes to call a “quiet Thursday”.

11) IMS and INDYCAR hold a high-profile, joint press conference about the steps they’re taking to address the media leaks ahead of big announcements. Unfortunately, the main points to be addressed are inadvertently revealed to the public two days ahead of time.

12) James Hinchcliffe will win at Pocono, and will immediately demand a Triangle Driver’s Championship to complement the Oval and Road/Street titles.

13) The Turbo movie debuts, sparking a golden age for bloggers and sportswriters alike in making immensely witty snail comparisons to anyone even a smidge off the pace (actually, this one isn’t tongue-in-cheek. It’s going to happen—you know it, and I know it).

14) In July, I will also finally crack a joke I’ve been saving for MONTHS about the titular character in Turbo being sponsored by Shell. No one will laugh, and I will then go to my Angry Place for about a week.

15) A mortified Beaux Barfield will realize he's been calling James Jakes "Jake James" for well over a year. Out of guilt, he ignores any pit violations Jakes might commit for the remainder of the year.

"Get it, Helio? He's a snail, sponsored by--ah, forget it".
(Courtesy IndyCar Media)
16) After a particularly carnage-filled Streets of Toronto event, the Indy Lights field actually drops to -3 entries for Mid-Ohio. A game of Rock/Paper/Scissors will instead determine the weekend’s winner. A Sam Schmidt entry will win, after winning a Best-of-5 series with the combo of Rock, Rock, Paper, Rock, Grenade.

17) Scientists will discover that time does indeed seem to move relatively slower for those traveling near the speed of light, or waiting for the end of a largely IndyCar-free September.

18) About a week after the Houston race, Katherine Legge will win a lawsuit against Dragon Racing, as a California judge tells IndyCar the only fair course of action is a season “do-over”.

19) On the eve of the season finale, Justin Wilson will find out that due to a loophole in his contract, he has been paid entirely in Sonny’s Bar-B-Q coupons for the season. He will describe his attitude as “enraged, yet satisfying full”.

20) Will Power will enter the finale at Fontana knowing he only needs to place P25 or better in a field of 26 cars to beat out Scott Dixon for the IZOD IndyCar Series title. Thinking quickly, Chip Ganassi will announce one-off Fontana deals for Marty Roth, Milka Duno, Joel Camathias, Francesco Dracone, Judge Harry Sauce, Juan Caceres, a 78 year-old IMS Yellow Shirt, and Bronco Brad Murphey, assuming someone in that group will take Power out almost immediately.

How will it play out? I guess you’ll have to watch. What am I, psychic?

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the laughs.. ehrr predictions! Nice job!