Thursday, December 1, 2011

If IndyCar Personalities Ghostwrote Dickens

If you're of a literary mind or got stuck reading one of his works at school, you've doubtless heard of Charles Dickens, the great English novelist. Among his greatest works is his novel set during the bloody French Revolution, A Tale of Two Cities ("It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."). Well, today we've recruited some of IndyCar's most distinct personalities to see how they would do if they were tasked with ghostwriting this epic novel.

Donald Davidson:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times--well, actually, the worst of times started in 1934, when they showed up in what they called the Third Estate Special. Now, they didn't make the race that year, came back, crashed in practice in 1935, and then, still in the same entry, qualified 27th in 1936. They finished 28th in their only race, which was actually the worst of times. Now, as a side note, Fred Frame had actually considered a similar ride in 1932, only colored blue and partially sponsored by a steel mill in Hobart, Indiana, but I suppose that's for another show, but no, that was their only outing, and I appreciate the question.

A Random Robin Miller's Mailbag Reader:

Q: I am so TIRED of people calling these the best of times. CLEARLY Randy Bernard has failed to address many of the excesses of Louis XVI. WHY IS IT that no one has asked Robespierre to take over this series? I've been a fan of the French Revolution since 1789, but I don't even get up to watch the execution of the nobility anymore. This revolution has completely lost me as part of the bloodthirsty rabble. What a joke. Try going back to something like a headsman's axe, or something actually took some skill to use, instead of a crapblade guillotine.

A Vocal Minority On TrackForum:

Who the hell cares about a bunch of stupid French people? You want people to read your novel, make it about AMERICANS.

The Venerable Pressdog®™:

Notes Taken During The Execution of Sydney Carton

Welcome to Paris. Official Pressdog®™ Beer of the Execution is something swiped from a dead marquis' private cellar. Attendance looks thin, but we are assured this is a GORGEOUS EXECUTION SCAFFOLDING.

Here comes the Executioner. As a preamble, he whacks off the head of some nameless aristocrat. DRINK, YE THIRD ESTATE. (preferably from your Official Pressdog®™ Beer Stein).

Executioner tests guillotine blade on a melon. SWISH. LET'S LIGHT THIS REVOLUTION.

Cameo from official Woman of Pressdog®™ Madame Defarge. Festival of Bag-Breathing.

Cries for the death of the monarchy. SUCK IT, HATERS.

FESTIVAL OF DEAD PRINCELINGS. The Executioner chops them off before they can so much as utter a prayer. Again, the Ancien Régime is taking a beating today. KA-BOOM.

Fourth execution of the day. JAMMED GUILLOTINE. Bang. Crowd goes nuclear. A tiny oxcart comes out and a dozen revolutionaries climb out to get the whole business unstuck.

Carton goes for his last words, but Mike King talks over him and they are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Overly Optimistic Driver Test Press Release:

Confident Revolutionary Does Well In Tests In Early Riots

Eager to learn and casting an eye towards either Storming The Bastille or Overthrowing The Monarchy, Uruguay's Orlando Matizo turned heads in his first test with the mob outside Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris on Friday.

"We were really pleased with his early pitchfork wielding and torch-holding", commented mob principal Guy d' Honore. "He was an eager participant, and he seems like he'll be a great addition to a mob. He's young, but shows potential".

Despite some unspecified issues where he was unable to keep up with the mob as it charged a group of Royalists, Matizo felt the test was "great overall".

Matizo recently finished a healthy sixth in overall revolutionary rankings in his native Uruguay, which should be a catalyst towards excelling in Revolutionary Paris and beyond.

"It really felt like the pitchfork handled well out there, and I think I can easily overthrow this monarchy within a few days. There can be no doubt the best of times are ahead of me".


  1. Dear Sir,

    F. In. Brilliant. Top shelf.

    Mr. Wishihadthoughtofitfirstbutgoodonya.

  2. Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

  3. Made. Of. Awesome. Funniest ICS piece EVER

  4. Two BIG thumbs up on this one! I needed the laugh! You nailed each one!

  5. Mark Wilkinson (New Track Record)December 1, 2011 at 5:55 PM

    As an English teacher, I feel compelled to share this with my students and colleagues, none of whom follow IndyCar and will understand the references. Never mind. BRILLIANT!

  6. Thanks! This one was a lot of fun. I was going to do A Christmas Carol, but despite the season, it seemed a bit overdone. :)